Nicholas Spark's Obsession Part 2: People WILL die.

I wasn't kidding when I said I was coming back about how many people die. If you don't watch Nicholas Spark, you're a lucky person. I don't want to ruin anything for the potential Nicholas Spark watcher so be forewarned there will be SPOILERS ahead. Just so you don't run and cry yourself to sleep.

A WALK TO REMEMBER

First off, the big blockbuster A Walk To Remember. Remember when Mandy Moore was cool and could sing and stuff? Yeah me neither. But what does Nick have to do? Go off and kill her!

She had such promise in what was said to be such a mediocre film coming from a mediocre book.

But hey that's what you get when you try to go from singing songs about mushy bullshit and then making movies like 'Dr. Dolittle 2.' You're gonna die!

NEXT PLEASE NICK SPARKS LOL



THE NOTEBOOK

Dear God, don't get me started here.
If it's the one movie that makes me want to punch a baby, this very well could be it. It was a great plot and probably the best Nicholas Sparks could ever do, but does it have to be so dramatic? Why does it have to build up expectations** in a guy for every girl in America? So they deserve to die. End of story.
 
**Not getting laid.



OKAY NICK WUTS NEXT DOOD

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

This movie was a bit before my time. And by a bit, I mean, even if it was in my time I'd never watch it. Truth be told, I'm not a big Kevin Coster on the beach in a long ugly coat fan. Just me? *Sigh*

But anyways, so he goes out on a boat and then FUCKING DROWNS. Who the hell goes out on a boat and drowns? That doesn't happen, Sparks. It's a wives tale. Go write a book about Moby Dick or some shit. Get back to me later, I got good ideas about how Moby Dick can be like a robot now in the 2030's and he can shoot lasers. Seriously.


MOVING ON AND UPWARDS TOOOOO

DEAR JOHNNY *OR JOHN*

LONG STORY SHORT:
I'm a dude that's in the army and shit. I can't act.

Oh baby, that's okay. I got big tits and I just try to smile for the camera. 
OH COOL, LOOK ITS MY DAD.

Sweet, now you go to the army, kbye.

YEARS LATER

Dad's dead.

THE END. NEXT.


ALMOST FORGOT ONE MAN THAT MENOPAUSE MOVIE

NIGHTS IN RODANTHEESDSE

OH MY GOD

 JUST LEAVE ME BE. THIS MOVIE LOOKS BAD.

Like real bad. Can I say women in their early forties call me later? Because you'll be the only ones in the theater. I hope you brought your alimony check and a good bag of midol.

And didn't anyone notice these two were together already? You can't do that, or the film will suck. We've all seen you two do it in Unfaithful. Almost a little too up close and personal for Diane's saggy membranes.

But oh well, enough is enough.





LAST BUT NOT LEAST IS THE NEW MILEY CYRUS SHIZZLE

 THE LAST SONG

Okay it's titled The 'LAST' Song for God's sake.
Someone has to die. Who will it be? I'm taking bets!

Miley? The dude? The dude's dad? The dude's granddad? The dude's dog? Miley's career? ONLY YOU HOLD THE POWER! AND ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!

 

John Mayer's Fourth Studio Album "Battle Studies"

I recently took a trip to downtown Nashville to visit my old friend Johnathon Mayer and watched him perform most of these songs live. Now I figured I owed him a little debt to review his album. I love most of the songs so much I actually married them, had a couple of little songs with them, and now I'm raising them on alimony.

TOTAL RATING:6.5/10

This rating is a tad lower but since his other albums greatly surpass this for the most part, I dumbed it down a tad. It can get a little sappy at times.

Songs To Notice

Track 1: Heartbreak Warfare - You've probably heard this a million times, and may even hate it by now. The radio makes me scream. But needless to say, this song is still a major hit and was the main big hit off the album. So obviously it is one to notice, just maybe not too long.

Track 3: Half of My Heart - Rock songs with special collaborations always hold a key to my heart. This one features Taylor Swift in very small detail, but usually it's rap that does this sort of thing. So when it changes styles, I mostly love it. This song is great.

Track 4: Who Says - This is the other hit from the CD, it has a somewhat "Stop This Train, Why Georgia" guitar rift sound. It's good, but the lyrics aren't the best.

Track 5: Perfectly Lonely - This one is a mellow feel good song about not giving a total shit about anyone else. Which is weird he can be 'perfectly lonely' while still complaining about other girls in the rest of the songs. But I like it.

Track 6: Assassin - Wow, I went songs 3-6. I sure just did. Anyways, this one is probably my favorite on the album. It's also my girlfriend Stephanie's favorite, so I'll give her a shout out as well. Lyrics are great in this one, tells John's more 'real talk' story of how his recent past has been.

Track 8: War of My Life - The last great song on the CD, as you can tell, I'm more of the mellow track side of this album as opposed to his funkier tunes. But this one's pushing it, as some of his songs on this album do, and the lyrics start to get cheesy.

Songs That Suck

Track 9: Edge of Desire - This is the worst song on the entire album. Cheesy to the nth degree and makes you want to fall asleep. But if you're sleepy, turn it up baby!

Track 10: Do You Know Me - Not a good way to follow the last song. Slow again, and you're probably asleep by now so wake back up! Now you hear these lyrics. Mmm.. cheese and wine!

Other Songs
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye, Crossroads (For the blues fans, this is a Robert Johnson cover, and is performed well live), and Friends, Lovers, or Nothing.